


The First Ugly Realization

by JamieMac26



Series: A Series of Firsts [8]
Category: Criminal Minds, Criminal Minds RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 16:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5973631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamieMac26/pseuds/JamieMac26





	The First Ugly Realization

Matthew’s phone vibrated across the coffee table. He leaned forward and glanced at the screen. Cocking his head to the side he pressed the decline button, unlocking his phone glancing at the clock displayed before him.

“Did you need to take that phone call?” Alex pushed up off the couch, grabbing the empty glasses and proceeding towards the kitchen. “I can duck into the other room if you need me too.”

Matthew shook his head, “No, it wasn’t important. It’s getting latish and I was thinking that we haven’t had anything to eat. What would you say to ordering some pizza?”

“I think that sounds like a really good idea, I’m starving.” Alex grabbed two beers from her fridge and a bag of chips from her cupboard and brought them back over the couch. Alex waited while he placed an order with a pizza place nearby her place. He didn’t need to ask her what she wanted, for her knew. She smiled slightly as he rattled off their usual order, marveling at the fact that he still remembered, even after all this time. Once he had finished, he placed the phone back on the table, before his eyes were back on her.

“So…” Matthew paused for a moment, “You disappeared and I didn’t hear from or see you, well for years, right?”

Alex nodded her head and took a quick swig from her beer, “Not exactly.”

“What do you mean, not exactly?” Matthew reached for her beer, pulling it away from her hand and placing it on the table. “When did I see you?”

“Umm… Halloween party five years ago, the one you friend Dave threw.”

Matthew scrunched up his eyebrows, “You were at that party? I would have known if you were at that party. I would have seen you there. Dave would have told me if you had been there.”

Alex’s heart started to beat a bit faster, the guilt starting to force its way back up. “Dave didn’t know that I gone and honestly, I thought you had seen me. I could have sworn that you looked right at me.” Alex glanced up at him, the unreadable look on his face gnawed at her nerves. “I was really good at one thing then Matthew, and that was running away from the problem that I had created.”

_Alex pushed her way through the crowd. She had secretly hoped that the party would be packed, so crowded, that it would make blending in and hiding that much easier for her. Alex stood on her tiptoes, desperately scanning the growing throng of party goers, trying to spot the familiar mop of brown curls. The butterflies in her stomach picked up pace the longer she scanned. Her toes started to ache, but still she looked. She wanted to see him. No, she needed to see him. She needed to know that he was okay, but that he was also missing her the way she was missing him. It was selfish, she knew that, but she wasn’t ready to come to terms with the fact that their relationship was over. She needed the small glimmer of hope that she still had a chance._

_Finally, out of the corner of her, she caught a glimpse of his bobbing head. There he stood, in the middle of a group of women, each one more beautiful than the next. A big, toothy smile donned his handsome features and she could just make out the ring of his heartfelt laughter. Her heart broke. Her heart shattered into more tiny shards. The small glimmer of her hope was fading quickly. He didn’t miss her. He didn’t need her. He was just fine and Alex was smacked upside the head with that horrid realization._

“Alex, if you were at that party, why didn’t you come and find me?” Matthew genuinely questioned her. “At that time, I wanted nothing more than to see you, to talk to you, to get answers.”

She sighed, almost in resignation, “I wanted to. It was my intention, at first, to find you…” She shut her mouth, unsure how to proceed, proceed without the emotion that was threatening to tear at her few remaining walls. “When I saw you in the crowd, when I finally found you, there was no way I was getting close enough to talk to you.” God, she hated feeling this insecure, even still, in his presence. She still had the crushing sense of regret and knowledge that she’d disappointed him.

“What are you talking about? Why would you say that? You knew, you know still, that you can always approach me. What would make you think that?”

Alex chewed on her bottom lip, contemplating her next words carefully. “You were…well you kind of had an impenetrable wall surrounding you.”

Matthew watched her carefully and Alex could almost see the wheels in his head spinning, trying desperately to figure out what she was referring to. A blank look of confusion fixated itself on his features and Alex knew that she had to bring him back to that night.

_She couldn’t pull her eyes away for his form. She watched as he touched one woman’s arm. She grimaced as he laughed over what another said. She flinched when another still leaned in close to him, whispering something into his ear. She didn’t even want to guess what it could be, she just wanted so badly for it to be her. God, she hated herself even more, if that was possible._

As the events of that evening replayed over and over again in her mind, the moisture began to dimly glisten in the fading light of the day. She sniffed quietly, “You were being you. People flock to you Matthew, they always have. Women, despite what you might think, are very attracted to you. You have a sense of comfort that you exude and it makes you approachable. It’s what I fell for in you. That sense of ease. That ability that you have in letting people just be themselves around you.”

Matthew reached forward and brushed a stray strand of hair behind Alex’s ear. “They didn’t mean anything to me.”

She just nodded, leaning into his touch. “I wasn’t thinking straight that night. All I saw was you laughing at someone’s jokes, someone who wasn’t me. I saw you touching someone’s arm, someone who wasn’t me. I saw someone lean into you, someone that wasn’t me. I wanted to feel your touch, I wanted to feel your breath, I wanted you to be laughing with me. You were just being yourself and it was torturing me. You were being you and I hated it, but I hated myself more for letting you be yourself without me.” The tears were once again falling freely and Alex couldn’t stop them. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to. She’d held onto all of this for so long, it felt kind of good to finally let it out. To finally let it go.

_Having felt like she’d tormented herself enough, she began turning her body to leave. Suddenly, his head shot up. His eyes scanned the crowd and Alex froze. Her breathing stopped. Her heart stilled in her chest. His eyes seemed to find hers. Alex willed her feet to move but they wouldn’t listen to her. The heat of his gaze rose in intensity and she was burning under it. She had to get away. She couldn’t face him, not now that she saw just how happy he was, happy without her in his life._

_She finally managed to get her feet to move and as she spun away, making a quick dash for the exit, she smacked into a tall figure. She glanced up, her breathing stopping once again. Shemar’s dark stare bore into her. Her face scrunched up beneath his scrutiny and she knew that she wouldn’t be able to escape as easily this time._

“I told you that Dave didn’t know I had been at that party, but someone at that party did know that I had been there.” Alex knew that this part wouldn’t be easy, “Shemar knew I was there.”

Matthew’s hand reared back, almost like touching her was painful. “What?”

“It’s not his fault. I made him promise not to tell you. I thought that you were better off not knowing. You had looked happy. You had looked like you had moved on. You had looked like I had been forgotten. If Shemar had mentioned to you that I had been at that that party, but had once again run away, it would have sucked the happiness from you, or at least that’s what I thought.”

Matthew stood, pacing back and forth in front of her TV, the anger evident in his body language. “Alex, you had absolutely no right to ask him to do that. Shemar knew how much you taking off had hurt. He knew what I had gone through in trying to move on, in trying to get over you. Fuck!” He stopped pacing and glared at her.

“Matthew…” Her voice had grown quiet, this conversation quickly taking an ugly turn, one she certainly hadn’t been ready for. “I have no excuse for what I did and you’re right, I never should have asked him to keep that from you. I really just wanted time to get out of there and I needed him to buy me some.” She stopped, his facial features softening at her words.

He threw his hands in the air and continued his pacing. He didn’t say anything for several minutes, just kept walking back and forth. Alex eyed him as she would a tennis ball, her eyes travelling with him. She wanted to do something but she knew that he needed this moment to process.

_“Shemar,” Desperation flowed from her, “Please don’t tell him I was here.”_

_The tall man’s hands were placed on his hips, his stance one of pure dominance and protection. “Alex, you can’t expect me to keep that from him. Do you have any idea what you’ve put him through the last few months? Where the hell have you even been?”_

_Her hands clenched into fists at her sides, “That doesn’t really matter. As far as he’s concerned, I’m still gone and he’s better off not knowing differently.”_

_“Ha, you aren’t getting off that easy.” He reached forward; his large hand gripped her arm._

_She was powerless against him and so she allowed him to pull her off to the side, into a quiet corner of the backyard. He released her and went back to his original stance. She rolled her eyes and tilted her head to look up at him. “I’ve been working in Atlanta and Boston. I went back to working on movie sets. I figured it would be easier for both of us if I just was out of sight. There wasn’t anything for me to say to him that wouldn’t cause more pain. There wasn’t an explanation that I could give that would make any of this any better. What’s done is done Shemar and look at him,” Alex pointed off in his direction, the cluster of women around him had grown and he appeared to be greatly enjoying their undivided attention. “He’s better off without me.”_

_Shemar just shook his head, “That isn’t for you to decide Alex. You owe him an apology and you owe him answers. Give him that and I’ll keep your secret. Call him and explain what you did.”_

_Alex closed her eyes, the sounds enveloping her and seemingly squeezing the air from her lungs. She gasped for oxygen and as she glanced up at Shemar, his figure blurred with unshed tears. She nodded, “Okay, I’ll call him.” She coughed once, trying to cover up the need to choke back her emotions. “Just let me do it in my time, give me a couple months, please.”_

_His arms folded across his broad chest, “Fine, I will give you two months. Now get out of here before I decide that I’ve just agreed to something completely asinine.”_

“It was a couple months after that party that I made that phone call. That was my deal with Shemar. He wouldn’t tell you that I was at the party but I had to call you and explain. I had to tell you about starting the rumor. I had to tell you that I had run off. I had to tell you that I wouldn’t be coming back. I had to give you answers.” Alex stared at her hands, not daring to look up at his face.

She heard him sigh and she felt him sit back down next to her. She willed herself to glance at him and when she did, the anger had dissipated.

He laughed, “So that lame phone call was your penitence?”

She nodded.

“Alex, you do realize now that I deserved more than that, right?”

She nodded.

He reached for her hand, grasping it between his, the warmth of them spreading quickly through her. He tugged, willing her to move closer to his body. She obeyed and rose to her knees, inching over until her thighs were pressed against his.

“I’m not mad at you. I’m just baffled by this entire situation. Can you do me a favor?”

She nodded her head once again, not daring to speak.

“Will you promise me that from this point on, no matter what may happen between us that you will not run again? That you will not hide shit from me and that you will talk to me if something is bothering you.”

She nodded, “Yes.”

Suddenly a loud knock reverberated through her apartment. Matthew stood up once again, and as he reached into his back pocket for his wallet, he grasped the doorknob. Alex came to stand behind him, taking the pizza from the delivery man while Matthew paid for their food. She smiled over at him as he shut the door and followed her into the kitchen. No matter what transpired from this night, she had a growing feeling that things were going to be okay between them. However, she still had more to this story that needed to be told.


End file.
